Tia was my best friend at work. We had joined the same company as management trainees and it was about a year that we had been working together. She was the sweetest person ever with so many great qualities: highly competent, a fast learner and a great attitude. But Tia could never say ‘no’ to anyone or any work. It was no wonder that she was always over worked and busy doing tasks which other people conveniently dumped on her. But Tia still smiled and pulled it off.

One day, I was very upset with her. She wanted to cancel our weekend getaway plans as her boss had given her an assignment which would require her to work the weekend. As usual, she had meekly accepted the work. I wanted her to tell her boss that she had plans for the weekend and she would complete it after returning. Being an assertive person, I wished my friend could be at least a little assertive and stand up for herself.

I convinced her that this was the best approach. We prepared her for the conversation she would have.  We enacted all possible scenarios and how she should respond during the discussion with her boss.  

Tia came back from her conversation. I waited smugly for the appreciation which would soon come my way. I knew she would thank me for making her see sense and hopefully this would be the beginning of a smarter Tia!

Ah, No such luck. She returned angry, so very angry. My advice had not worked for her. In fact, she had apologized to her boss and promised to deliver the work by Monday 9 am. In her anger she lashed out at me and stressed on the fact that she and I were different people. What worked for me would not work for her. She asked me to never advise her again or get into her business.  

I could not fathom the situation. What? Why? How? Was my advice wrong? Was my intent bad? Did I not have her best interest at heart?

A few days later when I was able to think through the situation rationally, I realized what had really happened.  What I had failed to understand was that Tia was a different person in a different context. Only she knew her reality. She was the only one who could decide her options and choose what she wanted to do. At the most, I could help her talk about her situation as she decided her own action steps.

I learnt a valuable lesson that day. The most well-meaning and good advice can be completely wrong for a person. What had worked for me would not necessarily work for another person.  Each person’s situation is unique and needs a unique solution. Involving the person in finding ‘their’ best solution is the best way to help them.  

Sometimes with the best of intents, we give advice. But sadly, many a times, our advice may not work for another person. At times, it may make their situation even worse. So, the next time, someone comes to you with a problem, don’t jump in to give your two bits of advice. Instead, press the pause button! This is what you can do instead.

Ask questions to understand their situation better. Help the person talk through their situation by asking more and more good questions. Every good question should make the person think and reflect on their situation. Good questions begin with ‘what’ ‘how’ ‘how come’ ‘when’ ‘where’

Listen with complete focus and attention to the answers they give and keep asking more open questions.

How are your questions helping? When the person is answering, they are involved in the intense process of thinking, reflecting and seeking out answers from within themselves. As they think, they may see things they had not seen before or realize something they had not realized before and even just hear themselves as they speak out aloud and gain awareness.  

You will be amazed at how much clarity the person will gain from this simple exercise. It will help them find a solution that is their unique solution. They will be willing to own their solution and make it work.  

Try this approach. I did. And it works every time, like magic!

In our parlance, we call this a ‘coaching’ approach!